Love Yourself

  When I see pictures like this, I think of all the mediocrity I put up with in my 20s. All the men who claimed that they loved themselves a fat woman, but only saw me during the darker hours. The men who chirped on profiles of the power of the BBW, but never introduced me to friends and sometimes kept me in the backseat of cars.

  When I see pictures like this, I think of the "dates" that never were, and the low-budget affection that's best saved for a body pillow. I put up with mediocrity in my 20s, and only found one person in that time period who showed me some form of proper appreciation. We don't talk anymore, but he's the one (despite much...craziness...) that taught me one thing--Love Yourself.

Yeah, I know.

  That was supposed to be a given, right? No ex was supposed to teach me that. I fought that lesson for a long time. It started in 1995 and sort of went on into the present day. Not all days are perfect, but at the core of all things I do love myself. Fam said it, and I know it's bad...but it went in one ear and out the other. It was the fact that this person gave me honest affection that made me see myself in a different light.

  I can't push other people to do the same. I can't make other bigger women go on that journey. What I feel about this picture is probably more about opinion than fact, but it's still hurtful. I've always thought that there's a line between comedic self-depreciation, and hurtful jabs that are meant to hurt. There's also that kind of hurt you KNOW is there, but you stand there with glass eyes trying to pretend like it doesn't hurt, and your personality is made of steel.

This is just me.

But....

  If a man walked up to me with a shirt like that on, he would be standing by himself. My standards wouldn't allow him any time or affection. We would not be talking, drinking, grinding, or exchanging information. We would not be posing together. This is all over the Internet, and you know people are talking and saying the worst. Some people, anyway.

  Mediocrity has a way of presenting itself. With a shirt like that, he probably feels like he can give her anything and she'll be happy with it, because it's attention. I hate this. I absolutely hate this. There are so many people out there who think that us bigger/fatter women should just take what we can get, because nobody wants us. Or, because our phones and love lives are always dusty. I mean, yeah I was in a drought for years after my last ex, but I maintained standards.

Why would I settle for the worst somebody can give me, when I have so much love to give? How is that any part of an equal exchange?

  You know, I don't ever think that I am so terribly beautiful that no one will do. I joke and call myself a bear, but I'm still like...."I'm a pretty bear". I have a hormonal imbalance that puts hair everywhere, my makeup skills suck, and my fashion is questionable, but it took a long time for me to get here. To look in mirrors, to strut on streets, to look ahead when crappy people stare and giggle and snort.

Why would I go back? Why would I stop loving myself?

  But then again, maybe she's made of tougher stuff, and can take the joke. Maybe it's Photoshop! What if that's the truth, and some jerk with mediocre skills put forth the effort to add words to his shirt? I guess it's all peculiar to me. Why would someone want to pose with a dude wearing a shirt like that? I guess I have a problem with the stupid caption talking about dude is "real". 

  I have a problem with the fact that dude has to be drunk to be with her. Like....see how that's not a joke anymore? That's straight up cruelty. If you have to do all that with somebody, you might as well find your actual type. It's pathetic to come after someone you think is "weak" or "unwanted".

  This is the "call to action" part where I tell you to love yourself and set higher standards than some dude with a crappy shirt on. The part where I also tell you that the journey to self love in a fatphobic world is incredibly difficult. No part of it is easy, but the reward of loving yourself lasts a lifetime. Jerks will be jerks. That part will never stop. You stay on the Internet long enough, you come to find that's the absolute truth. All you can do, seriously, is work on yourself. Work on loving yourself.