My devotion to all activities with the SGI fam had come to a screeching halt. Stress over finances had me glued to my office chair since I started my new freelance job on the 6th of August. It's a constant stream of game reviews without end. As soon as I finish ten, fifteen more appear. Trying to stay on top and make sure I earned every single dime to become an independent woman, I forgot my spiritual side. Nobody knows this part--I was sinking into that old feeling of depression again. Dark thoughts, anger, frustration. I was very angry at the world, myself, just...everything was on fire!
As I began to edit the calendar for this month and the next, I saw all the events. I saw the meetings I'd been missing, and the leader events. The youth events. I'd turned them all down, I'd put my phone on silent. I was distancing myself to take care of business, but wasn't really taking care of business. (There was also a very touching message from one of the leaders being honest about his duties that really resonated with me, but I tell ya...that lesser self grabbed me anyway!) Although the work was piling up, I decided to make the meeting Saturday. Again, honesty time--that's ALL I was going to do. I'd already missed the Toso for the week. Sunday? Last thing on my mind. I still had work to do.
The universe had other plans, and so Ariel and Nicole--aka my Soka Spirit Sisters (I have a name for everyone and everything. SGI fam, Soka Spirit Sisters!) stepped in to let me know what those plans were. They told a truth that was a little bitter to swallow, but it was something that got my attention. I muttered about it once I got home, but it was nothing but the truth I needed to account for. I'd been missing out, distancing myself. I'd gone M.I.A, and that wasn't the best look for the YWD Brainerd leader.
When Nicole told me all about what she'd been juggling in her past--job, mentoring, and going back to school, I could hear my lesser self grunting inside! "Okay, that's great!" she was saying. "What excuses, though? I'm poor! I need the job experience! You're established! I need this to have something on my resumé!" Oh man, she was gone, baby. She was angry. Lesser Self was ticked off because she felt like people were attacking her, not knowing the situation. These were people on a path with established jobs and lives, and I'm somewhere at the middle of the trail, just reaching the tower! These weren't deliberate choices, just me trying to balance self-employment and real life. Frustrations, man. They take your mind and spirit places!
Lesser Self was close to convincing me not to go Sunday. I was almost there, until something said "just go". So, go I did. I went to bed a little late, but woke up exactly at 6 that next morning. I stumbled out of bed, got myself together, and chugged a cup of coffee. When Ariel came, we were out the door and on our way to the center. First thing--two hour daimoku. Wait...WHAT?!
Two. Hours.
This was my first time. I've done one hour before. Two hours? That was something else. My voice gave out, but I couldn't rest my arms. I kept going. I whispered until my voice came back. I coughed a bit until the sound returned. I chanted. Funny thing, I always bring water with me when I chant. I even set up my bottle to bring with me that day. Forgot it! Chanting with the extended members of the SGI fam is always an experience, and this was no different. My determination to keep going no matter what my body did reminded me of my 4 mile walk this past June at Pride Parade. I'm not built for it, and probably looked every part the fool, but I kept going. That's what happened Sunday--I kept going. Once it was over, we had a Leader's meeting AND a Youth meeting. What a day. As always, notes were taken. :-)
Since that part is a bit long-winded, I wanted to make an intro post about that day. Basically, we set up some new events for district leaders to meet and stay in touch. The Youth Meeting was all about being a champion member, and about leadership mentor experiences in Japan. THEN, oh, surprise to this lady--I had a "getting to know you" session with Ariel and Yoko. THAT, reader, was a trip. If there's one thing you'll hear me say a lot about being a Nichiren Buddhist is this--I love dialogue. As an aspiring writer, words are already a thing with me. Speaking? To someone who is constantly silent and like a flower on the wall, having to speak up is something else.
Part two is coming soon!