I paid for this blog time, so I might as well do something while I'm scraping together pennies to buy crap to review. Hello, is this thing on? I'm tapping the Internet mic. I KNOW you hear me. Once I get an invite for something, I promise--less talky, more review-y.
I joined Plenty of Fish a while ago. Like, one lonely and pathetic night in February. Since then, I've gotten a few hits. For the most part, it's local guys. Sometimes I get a fellow gamer who's in the 'burbs, but lately it's been a string of fit fellows and upper-crust "I work Downtown and wear cuff links" kinda dudes, and I just get...weird vibes. To be honest, I've gotten weird vibes from all the men interested in meeting me. I'm starting to doubt it's actually legit, and it's more like...I dunno....not being ready to date people yet.
That last part is ridiculous, seeing as it's been about 84 years since my last date with an actual breathing person. Yeah, I'm one of those unusual people who goes long periods without dating. This would be the part where you either go "Awwww" or look at my profile pic and realize why. Anyway, the jerk in my head says "be glad you're getting hits at all." The cynic in me says "you can do better, and some of these guys have a motive." Cynic, you're a vibe killer. Vibe. Killer.
I think a part of me is worried that since I'm a Black woman with a big body, we're going into the territory of somebody either thinking they can change me (aka, the fitness guru who finds the beauty in the beast...), or someone who's trying to get their undercover kicks (aka, an easy target with low self-esteem, or an easy target with a naturally high sex drive.). I've been there before. The good ol' (not really) hook ups that happen once the sun goes down, because folks can't be seen with you after hours. The tacky people who think Black women are over-sexed creatures, and they want to "experiment". I tell ya, I was young and dumb then. I wasn't really seeing with my mind's eye. Once I began to REALLY value myself, I wanted more. Maybe more than what the world thought I deserved. Those hookups and exotica explorers were not gonna cut it. And anyone who saw this body and wanted to change it...nah...that's okay.
PoF also lacks the choice for me to choose men and women, so I had to choose men only. (Bisexual erasure much?) Not that I'd be any better with a woman, but my preferences go both ways. Oh yeah, if you didn't know, here it is loud and clear:
I know. You didn't ask, but I'm telling. I've been waiting to stick that gif somewhere. Anyway, I chose one over the other. Might change it later, might change it after I finish this blog. Decided to date/see men again. Whomever I choose, it's time to step out of my comfort zone and go for it. I think a part of me is worried that I'll run into another whirlwind romance. I've had...a lot of those. Two of them were pretty significant, frustrating, and time-consuming. They were also like light switches in constant on/off mode. I don't need romance right now, today, but come on. I'm 29 here. I need to mix and mingle. Have some trials, errors, and a partner for Comic-Con.
I haven't gone the way of asking my more social friends and family for advice or leads. I think it's already embarrassing enough I've gone so long without stepping out into the world on the social note. I have this one classmate from elementary school who does it flawlessly. Like, every other day there's an adventure on his Facebook feed. He makes it seem so easy, and it probably is. I'm complicating this!
My dad's advice is to "find my people". Okay, in a breakdown...."my people" would be:
- Nichiren Buddhists
- Gamers
- uh...I guess geeky/nerdy/dorky people. (I'm the dorkiest dork that ever dorked this side of DorkVille.)
- LGBTQ community
- poets/writers
- People with natural hair.
- womanists
This sounds like a lot of people. A lot of cool people. They're all spread out over this wide city. I can't shine a beacon for them to come to me, like they're Batman or something. I know. I knoooow. I guess that this deal with PoF had me thinking I'd be alone forever or something, if I didn't branch out at some point. Or, branch out harder or stop getting so frustrated. Arrrgh.
Listen, there's a lot of offbeat people in this world who like to meet up and set people on fire. Although I've done the Internet meet and greet for years, getting older has sorta put the fear in me that someday I'll be running down an unfamiliar street, trying to get away from some B-Movie-type slasher in my mismatched bra and panties. I'm jiggly and I run like Mr. Bean. It won't end well.
Giving up won't make things happen any sooner, so what else is there? For those of us who lack the look and magnetism with poise, the journey to dating and friendships is always a longer road. I'll have to appear at places where "my people" are. I'll have to keep looking for those places. Ask around. Wander a bit. Join a...club. There aren't that many at my school, so I guess it's either newspaper or the anime club. Goodness knows everyone else is too busy like...already being friends, lol.
I also have to set standards and stick to them. Not second-guessing, not settling. That's the hard part. Am I being paranoid, or is there a valid reason all of these men are a turn off? I'm trying to date and have fun. Not...you know...date and...frolic. No shame and shade to those who date and....frolic as soon as possible, but I'm just not there yet. (-____- and if you don't know what I mean by...frolic...I ain't gonna tell you.)
Here's hoping for positivity and change. Possibly some good coffee and chocolate, but one day at a time.
Gripe fest over! Here's a bird!